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coaching, everyday life, family, humor, life, motherhood, opinion, parenting, SAHM, sarcasm, sports, UConn, whimpy kids
This past thursday night Clark and I had the opportunity to attend a Question and Answer Discussion with a panel of successful sports coaches. Did I say “successful”? Amendment. Geno Auriemma is the women’s basketball coach for UConn Huskies. His record? He has won 36 Big East titles, held a 90 game winning streak (2008 – 2010)….you get the idea. I do not need to be a women’s basketball fan to appreciate his work. As if that were not enough, the panel also included Paul Assainte, the squash coach for Trinity College with a record of 303 and 8. That’s not a miss-print. (Thirteen consecutive national championships). Paul has the longest winning streak in the history of U.S collegiate varsity sports. Ever.
We thought it might be worth hearing what they had to say.
For quite a while we have been struggling because we do not agree with the way school and sports handles certain issues. Kids don’t “lose” anymore; they do not keep accurate score at Holly’s basketball games. She leaves each week thinking they “tied”. Every week, it’s “Yay, we tied!”
In elementary school, students are not made aware of their progress. “Grades” have been done away with. A, B or C ? No. Try deciphering “Child is meeting or exceeding possible potential.” A recent math “assessment” (NOT a “test”) came home with no grade, and no distinguishable marks, no check marks. A mass of circles, “X” ‘s and “C”s and other symbols, but we had to actually do each problem to figure out which were correct. Holly (3rd grade) is no longer given a spelling list. Third graders are “allowed to pick words they feel they need to work on”. She has yet to “pick” a word her first grade sister can’t already spell. Yes, the first grader who came home the other day and asked me “Why are you so jocular today?”. What would be the lesser of the two evils : push Holly and insist she try harder or let her face being surpassed by her jocular younger sister?
We do not see the merit in coddling kids through life, but were starting to feel we were alone. Then last week I ran across a post by Daily Rumblings on Tough Love, which made me feel abit better.
We came away with some great lessons from the Panel Discussion which I am excited to pass on. I will do my best to relay their wisdom, but I regret I cannot accurately quote their comments. I did not have the foresight to record the discussion; Clark and I were just so thrilled to get out of the house….
Character: Coach Paul Assainte sites winning and losing as a basic block of character building; one that is starting to disappear. He maintains that losing will hopefully inspire an athlete to practice more; or perhaps even realize “this may not be my sport” – and that’s O.K.! Instead of spending summer after summer in pursuit of perpetual “tying” in soccer; has anyone considered the child’s time might be better spent trying different things, finding maybe they excel at (or are happier with) swimming or skating? And winning – is it so bad to give young athletes a taste of completing a task successfully, knowing their hard work can pay off, and inspiring them to continue to practice?
Accountability: Putting forth your best effort, a superior opponent out maneuvers and wins – you’ve been beat. “Losing” happens when you basically defeat yourself…lazy practices, less than 100% effort. Kids are not taught the difference and are not held accountable for their “losing”. Accountability is also disappearing. We have been dissolutioned into believing that lowering the bar is the answer. When a child can’t easily reach a goal, we back off instead of demanding more effort. Little Suzy’s future boss is not going to lower expectations. Little Suzy will be fired.
Parents: Both discussed in length the damage “helicopter parents” can do to a child. Geno had the audience in stitches as he relayed the account of parents basically bubble-wrapping a child to do a simple thing like ride a bike. “Let them fall off, get scraped up and come home crying!” Kids who are not allowed to fail in small tasks early in life have no way to learn to cope, and have that much more trouble as they get older when a boss or a coach dares to tell them “that’s not good enough”.
The coaches expressed concern when asked about Motivation in players. It seems ony afew years ago athletes were coming on board with an entirely different attitude. Players are being taught, just like the cell phone they were given at age 8, they are entitled to more playing time. Not because they put forth the most effort at practice, or have shown improvement, but because they have been told for the last decade how great they were. Both men expressed they felt their success will come to an end in the near future because they cannot motivate a generation that will not only curl up in a ball when faced with adversity; but will be supported by a nasty e-mail from the parents that bubble-wrapped them.
I am the first to protect the kids. “Yes” to seatbelts, “No” to playing with electric outlets. I think back at all the toys we had, now too dangerous for tots. And Bugs Bunny? Completely wiped from the young collective consciousness. But I understand, with today’s internet, youth of America may indeed be capable of ordering a “Build your own atomic bomb” kit from Acme….
But I say, bring back the anvil !
becomingcliche said:
Great post! A school in our community has a reward day where kids who have maintained a “C” average get an hour off of school. Way to reward mediocrity.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Shut the front door – I used to cry if I got a C ! Did I miss the announcement that we have all just given up ?
winsomebella said:
My boys are grown now but I agree with you and the coaches. These are very good points that should be considered.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Thanks, WB…. always appreciate your feedback!
maggsworld said:
I absolutely agree with this. Good tips. In fact, I am going to refer my daughter and son in law to this. Thank you.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Thank you Maggs! I am all for focusing on fun (especially with the little tikes) but CT has completely lost it (just one of many of my opinions….)
mrsbutler2006 said:
I am riding around the Web today in my teacher gravatar (this is the Worrywart)because I’m part of a great blogging project with kids (which I’m supposed to be doing right now, but of course was distracted by my inbox).
Do they really tie? That does seem silly.
In my former classroom (of sixth graders who came in not knowing the alphabet)I used to teach the values from The Pyramid of Success created by Coach John Wooden from UCLA – http://www.coachwooden.com/index2.html (fun Web site for basketball fans and teachers). We covered a word (concept) a week.
I’m a worrywart and a helicopter parent, but I believe in high expectations and hard work – I had to because my sixth graders who could not read at the beginning of the year were counting on me to help them catch up and ultimately succeed in real life.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Hey Mrs Butler ! Thanks, I will definitely check out the Coach Wooden website. Yes, they really do not keep score accurately, so that it “evens out” (where else in life does that happen?) A local teacher here (also a friend) told me that the grading system was put in place years back because of too many complaints of bad grades – as if teachers were at fault ! You are a good example that it’s possible to be both a worrywart and a parent/teacher that can set & expect age appropriate goals – if you did not have expectations (even if only small steps)for those 6th graders, you would not have been able to help them. Thanks for your teacher’s perspective…..
barkinginthedark said:
Janet, it is a VERY fine point you make re “being beat”, and “losing”. one means you tried your best, and the other means you didn’t. this realization alone is worth the price of admission. thanks. continue…
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Thanks Tony. Such a simple concept, wish I had thought of it ! I walked out of the discussion feeling as though a ligtbulb was turned on above my head….
imexcited said:
Great tips MJ. Thanks for sharing..
BTW, I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award..
Please visit http://imexcited.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/the-versatile-blogger-award/ for details.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
I really wish I could’ve recorded the coaches! Thank you so much for the VB award !!!!
dailyrumblings said:
Thanks for the pingback!! Love this post – I just don’t understand the “parenting” trends in this country, although I know we are not the first generation to make that statement and I’m sure we won’t be the last. Kind of scares me a little.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
You are most welcome. You have a point, I remember my mom telling me her friends parents wouldnt let them watch Elvis, I s’pose every generation has their issues !
Nancy said:
Great post! Glad to hear my husband and I aren’t the only ones who think we have to push our kids!
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Thanks so much for stopping by, I’ve been reading some of your blog – very amusing !!! Hate to say it, but I’m getting the feeling if we (parents) dont “push”, no one else will….
philosophermouseofthehedge said:
Excellent post. Unfortunately some people making instructional decisions in school / doing “educational research” have NO classroom experience (some have no experience outside the educational / academic world) – many do not have children or are ever around children…most are stressed by the “must publish” rule and they have these creative ideas -which may work in a perfect academic world but do not prepare students for real life and business world.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
ah haha….I think educational researchers should be trained by being locked in a dome for a month with about 6 -8 kids of different ages. When/ if they survive, THEN they can “publish”! (but thats just my opinion….)
angrymiddleagewoman said:
LOVE it! I’m constantly trying to prepare my daughter for the real world because I do not want her to be one of the people I’m seeing apply for jobs with my company. I tell her when I fire someone and the reasons why. I’m all for keeping score and having accountability. That’s called life!
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Bravo…I tell the kids all the time about stories from my econ. development days as well…. I was NOT allowed to miss a deadline, much less for an excuse like “it’s hard” or “I tried….”. We try to be age-appropriate, but its so fustrating when they leave the house, they are being treated like a pre-schooler !
sandylikeabeach said:
Excellent post. I think another important lesson that can be learned by having winners and losers in sports is sometimes despite your best effort, you may fall short simply because your opponent is the better player that day. I also think that part of the problem lies with parents that prefer to be friends to their children rather than parents.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Oh, that reminds me !!! Another Geno comment referred to knowing you’re a good parent when your kids say they “hate” you. I totally agree with you, kids do not “respect” friends, adults need to get over that whole idea.
Jezzmindah said:
I honestly fear to bring children up in this world…which is crazy because this is what is said by people in war torn countires. But I see what it does to kids and it’s so unhealthy. I’m happy this is not my issue, I watch my friends struggle with it however and I can only imagine what it will be like when it’s my turn. My prayer is that either things change dramatically or I will have the opportunity to homeschool with a few mums who have similarly aged children.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
I feared it too, but then decided bringing up a ‘Mini Me’ might be a good way to give society the finger! I did the homeschool thing with my son for afew years (that’ll be anohter post) but that wouldnt work my oldest step daughters (shes too much of a drama queen at home, doesnt pull that routine in public). I think part of the problem is those that would be really great mom’s are young women like you, with a brain, become fearful because of all the bad parents mucking things up….
The Hook said:
“But I say, bring back the anvil!”
You, young lady, truly rule!
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Wow, that is quite a commpliment! (If I did in fact rule, Bugs Bunny would have its own network)
The Hook said:
Well, there is the CW – formerly the WB network!
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
but hardly an anvil in sight ….
Cat said:
For my siblings and I, getting a C on our report card meant being grounded for a week. But straight A’s meant $5! Some may think my parents’ methods were extreme, but you can bet they worked.
But nowadays, how are we supposed to push our children to reach a certain standard, when the schools refuse to set one? It’s a depressing thought.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
I Know ! I can see how some kids may be pushed the other way, too structued and stressed, but give me a break! Thanks so much for stopping by !
Kitchen Slattern said:
You are right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Kids who are never allowed to struggle are hobbled right out of the gate. Those who never experience failure are often crippled by their lack of coping skills. And while I’m ranting, when exactly did “ambition” become an unattractive quality? (I heard someone use it recently as an insult!) Thanks for the post.
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Thank you ! (I’ve heard similar “insults”, it really floors me.)
muddledmom said:
Totally agree! Parents have to teach their kids about losing at home. We just play board games, etc. and we don’t let the kids win. Man, if they lose, they cry and fuss and they don’t like it one bit. But I just keep telling myself it’s a lesson…and I breathe and I repeat. ; )
MJ, Nonstepmom said:
Lets just say I left the subject of board games out of this for a reason !