11:59 PM July 11
12:01 AM July 12
Both appear on my son’s death certificate.
One of many details mis-handled surrounding the end of his life. But after all is said and done, none of it matters. What use is an official record of the time and date my soul extinguished.
It’s merely another reminder of how long its been…
Behind me, yet another year without his quirky humor. Another year denied hearing his voice.
Add 365 more days to the running total “Without a Hug”.
Ahead, facing another year of sunrises slowly waking me to the seeping reality that he is gone. Enduring the next year as his friends graduate from college, remembering all the plans he had for his future. Wondering what life he would have known.
Grateful I have been given the gift of relocation. I can hide behind the character of “Woman with loving family, incredible children, comfortable home, spectacular friends”.
It would be easy to think Satan himself must have had a hand in the sudden, senseless death of a successful young man just starting out in life. We prefer to blame a force of evil. Surely God would not allow the violent death of one of his own children, a boy who had attended church that very morning with a friend.
God would not have allowed the cell phone to lose all power just before it would be needed to call for help. How many times have we heard “God does not give us more than we can handle”. God would not have allowed his child to find himself confronted with a situation beyond his control.
But He did allow it.
How quickly we forget the merciful God on which we choose to focus is the same God who sent the plagues. The same God who ordered the killing of first-born sons. The God who allows children to suffer hunger and disease while others wallow in their riches.
The proof I offer?
If Satan truly exists, he would have recognized the opportunity awaiting him in Connecticut. A woman so desperately longing for one more hug, one more chance to say “I love you” she would gladly do whatever is required. The church, Hollywood, folklore has led us to believe Satan holds the power and ability to offer promises.
I am proof Satan has nothing to offer beyond inspiring bad rock lyrics.
We can all rest in the knowledge that Satan is no more a reality than the dreams to which I escape that allow me to feel the presence of my child.
Despite the endless stream of Nine Inch Nails, Disturbed and Linkin Park, this was a favorite:
Memoirs of an Evil Stepmom 
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m a single dad to two (now) grown kids and still, couldn’t even imagine the pain of losing one. You are a brave woman. My very best wishes back to you.
pkc
As fate would have it, just before I read a book about a woman in Ghana who lost child after child…. I wish it was a matter of being brave, it feels more like a matter of simply having no choice. Thank you,Peter….
I do not even know what to say, the depth of your sorrow is felt–i just read a quote in another blog, calling mourning the homesickness for a lost one. It is odd that you want one more hug–that is what I wanted from my mom before she died. Just one more–my heart goes out to you–
thank you for your thoughts….
There are no words. Having lost a husband, suddenly. Between breakfast and lunch.
I cannot share your grief, but can share your pain.
Thank you for sharing this, not a bond we find with many people….
I’m so sorry to hear you lost your son (perhaps you’ve written about it before but I missed it). I appreciate that you can think of him and introduce others to him through this blog, and I really appreciate your philosophical argument about Satan. I believe in God and in an afterlife, but I’m not sure I believe in hell, so to see you articulate this argument is interesting (especially from someone who uses “evil” in their blog title).
Personally, I think death is just a natural consequence of life. God created gravity, for example, so that we don’t just fly off the ground into outer space. Gravity is good, then. But sometimes, like when a parachute doesn’t open, gravity is deadly. This is how I justify God’s hand in senseless deaths. Of course, justification doesn’t lessen the pain.
So sorry about your son.
I like your gravity analogy, thank you. I once was a catechism teacher….always found it interesting that Lucifer was actually one of Gods angels, & voted off the island.
When I started this, I did not want it to be about this at all – grief & surviving could take up its own blog; but I decided to do this post because a) I allow myself one hell of a pity party once a year & b) Ive had many comment about me having this “perfect life”
Thank you for your sentiments……
Very well written. An impressive job articulating the impossible. Strange how limited language is. Grief for something like that – both for the grievers and those around them – is impossible to say in words. We know the sense we want to communicate, but we don’t know how. Our pre-lingual ancestors would have been closest, with a howl, a shriek, a punch to our own chests as hard as we can – yet we, with all our words and phrases, can’t say it.
Exactly why I do not go the route of a grief/survival posts….much too daunting (trying to stay out of padded rooms) but once a year I hold the be-all-end-all pity party. I guess I dropped quite a bomb though, eh? Thank you for your thoughts…
Oh, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Sad to see a life end when it is just starting out, full of promise.
I prob’ly should apologize as well, I dropped quite the blog-bomb….thank you …..
My heart breaks for you. I admire you in that you can still believe in God after such a horrifying loss. I admire you in that you can channel the love you have in you to your husband and your daughters. You give me hope.
It’s not as if I have a choice, my son was a devoted christian in his own right. I know God has him – I just don’t like it & will never understand it….thank you for stopping by…..
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your thoughts on Satan and God mirror some of my own. We like to think of God as being the supreme (no pun intended) example of unconditional love, but there are all kinds of conditions attached to it. I lost my older brother when I was seven and he was twelve. I’ve had a rocky relationship with God ever since, and my current view of God is that the traditional Biblical view is a myth dreamed up my men.
The only explanation for why sweet, innocent people suffer and die from disease and natural calamities is that life is random.
I’m so sorry – a loss of that magnitude must be compounded at such a young age! Its something we work on with my stepdaughters almost daily. It sounds like you know too well what I speak of, & I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I know the difference between the myth you speak of (man made religion) and God/spirituality, but yet I still let it get under my skin.
Sincerely, thank you for sharing on such a personal level with me/ “us”……
MJ, your post really got to me. This is an area so many Christians struggle with and it pushed me to voice my own issues on this topic today in my blog. The post is not up yet, as I am in the process of finishing it up, but it will be there in a few hours.
This is an area where my churches and Christians around me have never given me an answer I find valuable. How does one reconcile a loving God with some of these things. The answers I received, much as I imagine you have, left me feeling empty. Just as many of your commenters post, this inability to respond causes a struggle in people trying to believe.
I applaud you taking the time to write this wonderful post and to share a painful topic to make us all think.
My son was a devout christian, played by “the rules”, attended a lutheran school for 10 years…..God chooses to take him in a most violent manner & allows guys like Paterno & Sandusk to lead long, evil lives- but the real kick was the “support” offered by church felt more like I was being led, in a vulnerable moment, to more rhetoric and brain-washing. Thanks for stopping in & sharing thoughts…I look forward to reading your post, will be sure to check in.
Pingback: The struggle « blendeddad
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what pain you must feel. There are no platitudes that can just make it better. I wish there was some way I could help.
….actually, you did – I just read about your little “Proud Mary” moment ! One of many reasons I am a faithful reader….
Words fail me. I’ve often prayed to God begging Him to never make me experience this. Then I read posts such as yours and feel selfish and petty. I watched the mother and father of extremely close friends simultaneously lose daughter and son-in-law. It was heart wrenching and impossible.
“Impossible” is a fair description…my word for it is “surreal”, sometimes I feel like I’m waking up in one of those Salvador Dali paintings with clocks floating around. Thank you for your thoughtfulness…
Tragic. No way to help. No explanations. Only observation of your strength and resilience.
‘resilience’ sounds better than ‘stubborn’….thank you 😉